somber's Blog

Well I didn't dream of him for three nights in a row so that sucks, I had a weird dream about Jackson Rathbone and my grandparents house.

I think my unconscious mind loves him more than my conscious. Well at least I've got a bit of him. I just want to sleep now, and just wait until I have another dream about him.

Has anyone ever noticed that all dreams stay in your mind for the rest of the day, but you just don't notice it. I can see my last dream at the front of my mind, but I just can't figure the pictures out. Its too fuzzy for my eyes. I can see it there I just can't, see it. I know its there and all but, it's like its under murky water that's impossible to see through. Maybe my mind doesn't want me to see it. That really doesn't help, because I forgot what I dreamt last night. I want to know.

I dreamt of him again, two nights in a row yah. It was a very nice dream.

We were either, moving into an apartment or going camping because the light brown almost orange wooden walls and the light beige wood floors. It was very lovely...

The picture just sticks in my head till now and it's 10:50pm.

It was a nice dream, I hope I get good dreams three nights in a row.

I dreamt of him last night. It was a surreal dream and doesn't mean very much.

He was like bionacle and was saving me from a plane which was driving through the city-obviously surreal- and he was running really fast with me on his back-I think I got that from Twilight- and he, he broke down or soemthing. He just fell and lay in the grass. I sat next to him trying to revive him and I just started crying. Then it started to rain. I just sort of collasped then and laid beside him in the rain.

That was a sign for me that I, I do love him.

I have dreamt of him before and it was so much more pleasant.

We were lying in the grass in some place. And we were telling each other how much we loved each other, as gooey and phony as it sounds, that was a nice dream. And I remember that I could actually feel his arm around me.

That was nice... I love him.

Over the past few days I have been crying myself to sleep, and it doesn't help anything.

I came on here wanting to write something meaningful and something that catches peoples attention, but I can't come up with anything.

I'll try my best.

I try to race the sun each day. Wishing for it not to leave me in the dark, because in the dark, the tears well up and break free. I race the sun to race time. But the sun always wins.

I think I can wait for him.

But waiting or letting go is for the strongest

And when have I ever been strong.

I've been slowly going back to the old days. Going into depression, I don't think I can hold it off for long. I haven't started cutting myself, yet. I don't want to go back to that. But I can't help that.

I want him, I need him, I love him.

When ever I smile or laugh

it's always fake

and every time

I die a little inside

&&she strikes a pose

BUT she dies inside

and no one knows

she's a [beautiful suicide]<3 <3 <3

I have all these things I need to deal with.

On the outside, I look absolutely normal.

But on the inside, I'm a mess.

Its just so incapitating and...Its just...It feels like I'm losing all my internal organs, and my most valued body parts and things like that. I just can't breath without him or anything. Every single thing reminds me of him. My mum went to a party and she met a little boy called Mika, that ripped everything out of me. We had a test at school and they had a question that had his name in it. I almost broke down in front of all my classmates. I only let out a yelp when the pain ripped at me.

Being me, I am too different for my own good. I'm too mature, I think too deeply, everytime I go to do something I always think of what will happen after, I'm like a thirty year old stuck in a twelve year olds body. I'm so alone. I got depressed at eleven because of this, I know it's a good thing having this, but right now, its a curse.

Most of the time, we don't realize how fast or slow time goes by. Its just a thing that tells us what time of the day it is. But what we don't realize is that, not everyone counts on time.

Right now, I think of time, every single minute.

I won't I can tell.

I have never gotten along with my father, I never liked him. To me he's just a drunkie who only cares about himself. He used me once I don't like talking about it, my mum is practically the only one who knows.

I know I'm not going to and never will.

I'm too mature for my own good. A normal person would, but being me, I'm not normal. I will never cry about him.

These are some lyrics from songs and bands that I like and love.

Some of them mean more then just lyrics for me.

Saving Abel-Addicted

I'm so addicted to

All the things you do

When you're going down on me

In between the sheets

all the sounds you make

with every breath you take

It's so like everything

when you're loving me

Paramore-Misguided ghosts

But now I'm told that this is life

and pain is just a simple compromise

So we can get what we want out of it

Could someone care to classify

A broken heart and twisted minds

So I can find someone to rely on

Paramore-My heart

I am nothing now

and it's been so long

Since I've heard the sound

the sound of my only hope

O.A.R-Love is worth the fall

I can almost believe that you're real

And it's love in my heart that I feel

But there's something between us

that can't seem to get through it all

If I could only read your mind

I would know how to save you this time

With love

Love is worth the fall

Paramore-The only exception

When I was young I saw

My daddy cry and curse at the wind

he broke his own heart

And I watched as he tried to re-asemble it

And my momma swore that she would

Never let her self forget

And that was the day that I promised

I'd never sing of love

If it does not exist

Well darling you are the only exception

Paramore-All I wanted

Think of me when you're out

When you're out there

I'll beg you nice from my knees

and when the world treats you way too fairly

it's a shame I'm a dream

All I wanted was you

Taylor swift-Crazier

You lift my feet off the ground

you spin me around

you make me crazier crazier

feels like I'm falling and I'm

lost in your eyes

you make me crazier crazier

Death cab for cutie-Meet me on the Equinox

Meet me on the equinox

Meet me halway

The sun is perched at it's highest peak in the middle of the day

let me give my love to you

let me take your hand

and as we walk in the dimming light

Oh darling understand

that everything everything ends

Muse-Unintended

You could be my unintended

choice to live my life extended

you could be the one I'll always

love

I want him, I need him, I love him.

Right now, I think I have a pretty good reason to become an emo, but being an artist I'm sort of born one.

I got this poem off the internet, and it pretty much covers what I feel, well most of it.

I'm trying not to love you

I'm trying not to care

I'm trying not to live my life wishing you were there

I'm trying not to wonder

where you are or what you do

I'm sorry I can't help myself

I fell in love with you...

Well there it is, so...

I better go now, it'sa like 11:18pm where I am so goodbye.

I let the misery have me last night I was just sitting on my bed not really watching the television right in front of me, and it hit. I just curled up into a ball, I am so pathetic. I couldn't breath I just wrapped my arms around my torso and lay there.  It feels like a hole has been ripped through my chest and its just sitting there out in the open just waiting for something to ruin it more. Right now I can't breath, it's just too much. I'm so scared that I'm not going to find him or he's not going to find me...I can't take it.

And what if he doesn't? What happens to me?!

Why can't life be simple? Well I'm glad it's not, but what I really want to say is why couldn't it be different? I wish it was different, so I could actually be with him.

I just can't breath without him.

I need him.

1. I hate 'Family guy' Peter is immature and an unsuitable role model for anyone, and he's already taken over a majority of the boys in my middle school.
2. I never drink milk out of a cup unless my mother can see.
3. I can be resentful, greedy, possessive, and I can get jealous easily.
4. I once gave a 3year old that cold shoulder.
5. I hate my father. He was never safe.
6. I turn the television when I'm reading so I don't feel lonely.
7. I talk to my posters and wished they would talk back.
8. I'm a creature of habit.
9. I think one of my teachers is out to get me.
10. I was kicked in the groin over ten times up against the wall of a bathroom when I was 8years old, and I hadn't done anything to provoke the girl.
11. When I was 11years old I became depressed and the police became involved. And I still think life is so short I might as well not live if it's going to be over so soon. But I know better and I am planning to stay alive as much as possible.
12. I have always loved rock or emo music.
13. I am a taurian, which inconspicuously means I'm one of the most sexiest people in the world. And I'm also very stubborn.
14. I am quarter hungarian. A third english. Spanish. Irish. And American.
15. I have a cat called Fluffy. Who had kittens that all died within a month of their birth.
16. I once had to stay with a friend of my mothers and she told me that I have had a very bad past. And she told me that there will be something coming to my house, and will be following me for the rest of my life. And everytime I will be in my room, I will turn round and see a corner of a little sundress by my door frame. And one night I felt something breathing on me, my brother wasn't awake and niether was my mother, I felt something touch my head, checked again, went back to sleep, and then I felt really sick. And now I do believe in poltergeists.
17. When my mother was pregnant with me, she would eat mangos and spicey chicken, and now I really like bth.
18. I have never been on a plane.
19. I have read the twilight saga 12times.
20. I'm scared of the dark.
21. I was once attacked by a praying mantis, and I've hated them ever since.
22. I have two birthmarks and they're both on the back of my ankles.
23. I am the only young adult female in my family. There are six guys in my family and four girls including me.
24. I have a habit of watching 'Friends' without ever actually watching it.
25. I forget but I don't forgive.
26. I have a story on Fanfiction.com.
27. I love the band Paramore.
28. I wish we could all just forget our differences and settled down.
29. I once got 3rd place in an international art competition.
30. I sold my first painting in an art gallery.
31. I can experience peoples reaction towards me.
32. I can judge how people will end up. Like for instance everyone ends up like their parents.
33. I am very predictable.
34. I think the video 'Thriller' is scary.
35. I once had a teacher who let my whole class watch a horror/comedy movie, and it was rated R16. I got freaked out in the first five minutes.
36. I don't like my best friend.
37. I am an upcoming author artist and poet.
38. I hate Kanye west, he's so high on himself.
39. I think no one can ever replace Michael Jackson.
40. I love doing things like this.

 

I know most people would think it's crazy or I'm just being joked around but honestly, do you really think that..?

What if I told you that I have never been able to experience a situation where you can just be so thoughtless like other people my age. I've never been able to be a kid. About everything I do I always ask myself is it right or what will happen if I do or don't...It's not fair for me.

No one takes me seriously.

 

Right now I feel trapped, because I can’t do anything about being me. I hate being too mature, it stops me from doing what I want. It stops me from talking to mature people -who usually range from forty to thirty- on the internet, because no one takes me seriously in person. I only know of two people who believe I’m not just another twelve year, the first a guy I met on the internet who was very decent and I got on really well with, the second another guy I met on the internet who tried to help get out of my misery for being so annoyed at being so mature, and even said the words ‘I think you’re brilliant’, only two people, out of millions or more. Age has always stopped me, and it’s so irritating to be twelve, sometimes I feel as though I’m a thirty year old stuck in a twelve year olds’ body. People never realize there is more to me, no one ever takes me seriously, and not even my own mum understands me.  I found someone who was exactly like me, exactly like me. Again on the internet and maybe he would have stayed and talked to me, and just didn’t say he loved me I wouldn’t be writing this right now, and I love him back just as much, maybe even more, but that’s the thing I lied so I can’t do anything to help him find me. I’ve been on confession sites where I can just say how I feel and just hope that maybe just maybe he’ll stumble upon it and maybe find me, I still hope he does. I went on a site where you can start your own anonymous blog and your fans can talk to you and I’m hoping that someone will really notice it and it will become really big and he’ll find it and contact me. I wish he could find me but he’s searching for a fake name and age so it’s a waste of time for him so I’m leaving little marks on everything I put on the internet, poems well I haven’t yet but I will soon, blogs and similar things. I did ask my mum about it but she didn’t understand because we’re the complete opposite of each other, and I don’t think I will ask for her advice any time soon, because when I did ask her and told her how I felt she said god gave you too much wisdom which doesn’t help because I can’t use it! Because no one takes me seriously. When I told my mum about how annoyed I was at my grandmother she just laughed. Its frustrating being me, I know its good thing but it’s so ensnaring at times. I never have anyone taking me seriously I can’t do what I want to do, because most of those things require you to be over fifthteen.  

If I was my mental age I would be with him right this second and I would tell him I'm sorry and I would ask him, if he would still accept me..?

The only thing I can do now is wait, and that's the worst thing really.

Right now I'm trying to keep as much of it in as possible, I'm just trying to act normal. And to be honest I'm dong better than I thought I would. No one has noticed anything at school. I have been very careful about my attitude and everything but that was until yesterday. I just curled up in a ball, and let it have me...I started crying after a while because I couldn't breath, I wasn't crying because I was scared that it wasn't normal, there's just some unconcious part of me that needs me more than my conscious but I don't even know if it's more or not.

All my life, I always thought that I would meet someone when I was older and I did not expect it to be this soon. I will admit but it was way too soon, I mean maybe a couple of years and it would be fine. But love is irrational. And I can't control it.

I don't know who to believe anymore. I have thought about this so much, and  know I love him.

I've thought about both sides of this situation. The side that thinks what if he doesn't love me? And what if he does? And what if this is a joke? And most importantly what if it isn't?

And if it isn't, what have I done to him by saying no?

It's gotten to the point that, I'm not christian but I've started praying that he finds this or something...

I want him so badly.

Why do we always want what we can't have? Has God officially made it this way? If we can't have what we want he just rubs it in our face? It seems like that anyway.

All I want is him. I'm trying my hardest not to make this hard for him, because if we are soul mates or close to that, he either loves me, or he doesn't want to hurt me.

I think I've helped all I can with my short life, always becoming the mother or care giver whenever we go to camp or something. I've helped too much probably. So I think I do deserve to have what I want. More than deserve, I should be guaranteed it or something. Like it should be written in blood that I get what I want. Or a reward.

I need him, I want him, I love him.

 

Okay now I'm just going to do one of my own poems, some old ones maybe and ones I'm working on:

As the sun rises over me

It warms up my skin

softening it to a content

The hair stands up on my arms

as the warmth runs up them

and the trees brush shadows on my body

marking what is light and dark...

Okay that was just me doing anything because I can't remember where I put this good one, I'm sure it's somewhere around here. But I'll leave it.